?

Log in

 
 
14 April 2014 @ 08:18 pm
poem: -  
I'm still relearning how to write again. This is my first attempt, so it's not as good, I think.

I can't come up with a title for this one..
-----------

in daylight, i am the ocean.
in broad daylight when I am needed
i begin ripples through the waters,
send waves and low tides ashore.
lap at people’s feet shyly with
foam.

in the moonlight, i am rage.
i float back and forth lost and alone,
pulling towards the moon and yet
never reaching there.
and in my rage I thrash about and
send waves as high as my desire for
you, only to come crashing down
in violent waves that end in quiet, muted
foam.

in daylight, i am the ocean.
and as I lap at people’s feet shyly and
desperately, i whisper

please, get me to the moon
Tags: ,
 
 
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
 
 
 
ryosukekoibito: Ariyama adorableryosukekoibito on April 14th, 2014 04:22 pm (UTC)
Hello lovely! I just woke up and checked my email and I squealed a little bit when I saw that you'd posted. It's so exciting! Don't be harsh on yourself; I think that the best way for anyone to improve your writing is to just write. A lot. And I need to go shower and eat and things, but I just wanted to let you know first that I really enjoy this. Very much.

I'm not very good at describing my thoughts and feelings when it comes to poetry, but I really really love the whole concept of the ocean metaphor, especially the bit about lapping at people's feet shyly, and how those gentle words are so contrasted with the energetic, loud, angry words used in the next section like "thrash", and "crashing" and "violent". Then of course the two completely different feelings are also paired with day and night respectively, and I thought that the stark difference, while holding with the ocean comparison throughout both parts was really great.

My favorite part though is the way you introduced the want to get to the moon in the night part. You show this need, this desire, in a desperate fashion, and in the night portion it is the reason for the speaker's actions. It is the only thing mentioned, now that the speaker is alone,unlike in the first part where there are people around, people that are able to see, and the speaker is so calm.

And then at the very end the reader gets to find out that the calm is not a peaceful one, and that during the day the speaker still is wishing to get to the moon, and it's really rather sad, because they are just whispering what they want, quietly asking for help, perhaps because their night attempts failed, and I rather got the sense that this-the quiet asking for help during the day, and the desperate attempts at change during the night-was a cycle. The last four lines were my favorite. I think they really made the poem for me.

Anywho. I will email you properly very very soon. I promise it won't be a month! Stay well, and thank you for writing.
Syahirah Nadirahsugarwhales on May 13th, 2014 01:54 pm (UTC)
oh gosh idk why I just saw this like I had one unread mail in my gmail for once but I kept thinking it's a bug and only today did I try to search for any unread in my inbox and then I saw this and I just

I love you

thank you so much for this, really <3 and I thought that you described your thoughts and feelings perfectly!

Thank you again. I don't know how to word just how grateful I am to you.